my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am in a vortex of obligation.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
