put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
