I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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