I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
