Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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