Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
