your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
