ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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