please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
