Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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