planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
