I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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