i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
