I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
