Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
