just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
