She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
