Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
