i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
