i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Randomize