What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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