hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
