What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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