dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
