My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
