i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
