WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
