Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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