Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize