it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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