the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
