He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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