I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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