Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
