Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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