Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize