Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
