so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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