I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
