forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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