Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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