i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
