Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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