this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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