I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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