I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
