Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Randomize
