you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
