So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
