I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
