Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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