Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
