Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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