i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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