she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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