i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize