piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize