The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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