thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
