everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
