If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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