Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
