remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
