Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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